Most grow up learning life like how to tie a shoe. We grasp the concept of tying a shoe. We know that we take one lace tie it over to the the other side, loop one side and take the lace tie it over and under to make that perfect shoe lace bow. Once you get you got the concept, of course you start to learn over the years how to become better at perfecting that bow each time.
The story we create for ourselves is merely the same way however, it may take us longer to get there unlike learning to tie our shoe. As we learn our story we may feel pain, overwhelm, loss, or maybe joy and happiness for that matter. It depends on the story you had for yourself growing up.
For me, I have had to change the story for my life. If I wanted to be better than the way I learned to tie my own shoes. Don’t get me wrong, the things I experienced growing up gave me an outlook of strength and bravery as I have overcome the ideals I had for myself. Growing up I was merely raised by my mom who was raising me by herself, she divorced while I was very young.. Luckily we had family that was close by that helped raised the lost and timid little girl I was. She did the best she could as she ran the family motel where we stayed for a good part of my childhood.
Looking back this experience growing up into my older childhood and early adulthood, I didn’t really notice how much the experience had influenced me growing up, at least I thought it wasn’t but now I can look at it that yes it has influenced my story.
My mom got remarried when I was 5, and life was pretty great for a while and I was getting used to the idea of having a new dad. Overtime I learned some new feelings that I never experienced before. I learned that depression is real. Obesity is real and how these things can make a huge impact in ones life. Misery, pain, confusion, no sense of love. That life isn’t this perfect fairytale ending, at least that is what I taught myself.
I thought this was the story I would end up having. People talked about on my wedding day how I’d get a divorce at a young age just because that was what happens in our family. I didn’t realize the story I had within was holding me back so much in life. I always had this feeling that there had to be more.
For the longest time I hid behind the hurt and pain that I had growing up. I battled it inside while on the outside everyone thought I was this confident super human. But on the inside, i was lonely. This pain and hurt I didn’t realize at the time but I can see it now, affected my relationship with others. I needed to feel loved and accepted. I was dependent on that. And when I got rejected by friends or made fun of growing up, I took it way too personally and added to my resume of why am not good enough.
The story we learn growing up we can perfect it the way it was written or try tying it another way to make the it tie even better. We aren’t defined by who we were taught to be.
After having my second son, that is when years of all this crap came tumbling down. I knew I had to change the story for myself.
Today I tell a story that life isn’t perfect, that we were given our struggles to make us stronger. I learned that through brokenness, there is true beauty inside waiting to blossom to heal that broken heart.
I am continually fighting for that dream to change that old story to bravery and in a stubborn way proving that life doesn’t have to be because it runs in the family or because so and so experienced this so you will too. It’s crap. Don’t fall into those lies. That’s all they are…crap and lies.
Life can be beautiful if you make it to be. You have the knowledge of how to tie the shoe now tie it in a way that creates that awesome beautiful bow.